Usually, we get a Christmas Tree tag, which entitles us to drive several hours, chop down a tree from a protected forest and bring it home to decorate. We place the tree in water. Add lights. Add decorations.

My home-sewed mantle scarf goes up. So do various house decorations. A Martha Stewart wreath. A snow globe or two. A scented candle. A large snowflake doodad.

Last year, we didn’t get a tree tag. We didn’t feel like shelling out $40 for an Oregon tree, either. So we just didn’t decorate, save for some evergreen branches purchased at Trader Joe’s that failed to fill the house with the aroma of fir. Oh well.

Surprisingly — it wasn’t depressing at all. It was actually pretty nice to not have the stress of keeping a tree watered and happy, keeping the dog from drinking the Christmas tree water, remembering to plug in the lights every night, figuring out where to put all the decorations…

So we’re not decorating this year, either. Some year, when we feel like it, we might trot out all the glitter and doohickeys again. Until then, we’ll just enjoy the things we love about the season — the cold, dark, hibernation-friendly nights; the smell of smoke in the crisp outdoor air; snugglier dogs; wearing socks and sweaters and blankets; baking bread…

I grew up in the West Valley. Let’s call everything west of the I-17 the West Valley.

It’s a nice shiny happy place to grow up, if you’re in the better-off parts. There are bike paths and parks and churches and malls and libraries.

I also spent a good chunk of my twenties there. Dating was excruciating, because you know what? There are no single men.

I’m not kidding. They all live central and east, where the good jobs are.

You go out to a TGIFriday’s or Starbucks and it’s all Nice Single Women. The level of desperation is rather like going to the Humane Society. So you tend to date guys online or long-distance, which is an entire level of suck in and of itself.

The West Valley is a great place to raise a Nice Family and go to a variety of churches. It is a terrible place to work in technology or have a liking for light rail, independent bookstores, good coffee, arthouse films and decent Chinese food. (No, West side, you do not have decent Chinese food. Don’t EVEN say P.F. Chang’s.)

Just had to get that off my chest. Agree or disagree?

People have terriffically bad memories.

They’ll probably remember the tirade about your boss, the snark about your sister, the gross medical condition or highly sensitive job hunt information you decided to post on Facebook.

What they won’t remember is that it was filtered, locked-down information. They have enough information to parse and balance each day.

There’s a decent chance that your Aunt Bea, who is privy to your job hunt info, is going to ask, “How’s the search?” on your wall. In front of your current coworkers.

Good rule of thumb: Use Facebook filters to make things relevant to certain groups. Not confidential.

This is something I hadn’t really “gotten” until recently.

It’s not enough to be full of smart ideas.

You must be full of smart ideas and have cred.

You build credibility through experience. I read Havi Brooks because she survived a terrorist attack and can teach me how to get through things that are much less traumatic. I read Get Rich Slowly because the author started life in financial ruin and is now compiling wealth through small, accessible ways. And so on.

That’s why most blogs have bios. Your life experience and accomplishments matter to people.

“Do as I say, not as I do” isn’t compelling enough. I’m glad you’re driven and full of the right ideas. But without results, you’re just another member of the Greek chorus, not a leader.

Christmas gets earlier every year, right? So I have to start this two weeks before Thanksgiving, because I am already getting The Fear. So.

Although it’s been said, many times, many ways, here is what I hate about the holidays.

1. Shopping. Der. For people who enjoy shopping — and this apparently includes everyone but me — shopping scratches some primal hunter-gatherer itch. Yay, you found a stereo on sale for $5 at 3 a.m. on Black Friday and nobody died! You go, Savvy Shopper!

Here is what shopping is like for me. I need hand soap. I am vaguely aware of the layout of Target, so I go in and spend 20 minutes doing laps around the cleaning supplies before giving up and going home. It does not occur to me that hand soap is with the soap-soap because I am overwhelmed. I am frustrated. There are too many choices and too much stuff.

Imagine how much more aggravating this is when I have to do it amongst throngs of stupid ass-scratching humanity while listening to bad music.

2. The music. Oh god how I hate Christmas music. I’m sorry, holiday music, it’s the same eight secular songs over and over. We don’t want to offend people like me who don’t celebrate the birth of Christ, we just want to assault them and wear them down Gitmo-style with horrible, maudlin, balls-out bellowing about The Most Wonderful Time of the Year. And it’s inescapable. It’s in drugstores, grocery stores, cars, houses, places that change your oil. You are not allowed to not listen to it.

The only thing worse is when it involves singing chipmunks, or the nasally woman pretending to be a kid who wants a rhinoceros. When I become Empress, this is all going away forever. Enjoy it while it lasts, Sweatpants America.

3. Baking. I am not compelled to be Martha Stewart the other 11 months of the year. My cookies are like Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree — disappointing and sad, but you still have to pretend you like them because it’s the holidays! For six weeks a year we Must love everything handmade and homemade.

Nevertheless, if my cookies give me access to the cookies that you demonstrated  Michelangelo-like artistic wizardry on via cookie exchange, I’m in. Just don’t give me any crap about it.

4. The Pressure to Make Everything All Norman Rockwell. You don’t want to ruin Christmas for The Others, now, do you? The children might cry! Mom and Dad might be disappointed! Be a good girl, dress nice! Spend enough money on presents, you don’t want to look stingy! Pray on command! Cook endlessly, like you have nothing else going on in your life! Buy cards! Write The Yearly Letter, even though everyone is on Facebook and knows what you’ve been doing!

Failure to comply means you are not Demonstrating Gratitude. Also, you are a Grinch. Grinch.

5. Let’s Suddenly Care About the Unfortunate! I worked for a certain large metropolitan daily newspaper whose reporters would snerk about running “Tissues n’ Issues” stories in December. All other months of the year were reserved for breaking news on diet tips and store openings. Maybe some golf, too.

I don’t remember the part in the Bible where it says to only take care of the less fortunate because you feel guilty about buying your dog a Snuggie.

6. Everyone is drunk. And that means lots of cops are out. Every time I’ve been pulled over, it’s been in December. And the cop asks if I’ve been drinking. And I have to explain that no, I really do drive this way. And it’s humiliating.

7. The trash aspect. Everything we buy eventually ends up in a landfill. Everything. I have closets full of shower gel, fleece scarves (that I never wear, too warm), mugs, decorative boxes, etc. that are all going to Goodwill or a landfill. I hate that. I hate getting rid of your stuff, but I hate taking care of it. It doesn’t remind me of you.

Know what reminds me of you? Spending time with you. Let’s do that instead.

tommydavis209 on Flickr

1. You are going away on a long trip and traveling carry-on.

2. You will be doing laundry in hotel bathtubs every night.

3. Therefore, it is imperative that you have Special Quick-Drying Traveler Clothes! So get online! Now! Buy!

This is the sorta thing that the Buy Stuff voices like to say. You get ‘em, too?

They say that my current collection of clothes — an entire summer wardrobe engineered for Phoenix heat — is unacceptable. Even though I went to Peru, flied carry-on sans special clothing, and did just fine. (We hadn’t yet figured out that you could do laundry in the bathtub, and were a bit funky coming home. Otherwise…)

Today I made the executive decision not to buy anything for the trip, save for magazines and candy for the flight. Quick-drying synthetics won’t feel good in the sticky December summer and they won’t help much in Patagonia. I do want a black fleece top so I don’t have to wear my shapeless red one (“Hey Kool-Aid!”) but if I don’t find one at Goodwill, so be it.

But back to the Buy Stuff voices. I’m pretty good at ignoring them, but they like to come out and play when I’ve already spent money on something else, like hotel reservations. “What’s an extra $50?” they whisper. “You NEED a beach umbrella and a Boogie Board and a new orange and pink towel!” Yeah, and my garage needs all that crap 51 weeks a year. No thank you.

What triggers your Buy Stuff voices?

Patrick Dockens, Flickr

Wouldn’t it be great if every elected official was on Twitter, interacting with you and your fellow constituents? Well, many are! Below is an attempt to locate all elected Arizona officials, but if you know of any who are missing, PLEASE shoot me a tweet (@stacebass) or put a comment below. (Big thanks to @jacysmith for pointing me to this list.)

UNITED STATES SENATE [Serves all of Arizona]

John McCain – @SenJohnMcCain
Jon Kyl – @SenJonKyl (no Tweets yet)

UNITED STATES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES [Find your Congressperson]

Jeff Flake – @JeffFlake
Trent Franks – @RepTrentFranks
Gabrielle Giffords – @ggiffords, @Rep_Giffords
Harry Mitchell – @harryemitchell
John Shadegg – @ShadeggPress

GOVERNOR

Jan Brewer – @GovBrewer

ATTORNEY GENERAL

Terry Goddard – @TerryGoddardAZ

CORPORATION COMMISSION
Kris Mayes – @krismayes
Bob Stump – @BobStump (protected)

ARIZONA STATE SENATORS [Who are mine?]

Ken Cheuvront – @cheuv
Pamela Gorman – @pamelagorman
Ron Gould – @SenatorRonGould
Chuck Gray – @Chuck_Gray

ARIZONA STATE LEGISLATORS [Who are mine?]

Edward Ableser – @RepAbleser
Kirk Adams – @KirkAdams
Chad Campbell [ld14] – @RepCampbell
Sam Crump – @Sam_Crump
Doris Goodale – @dgoodale
David Lujan – @DavidLujan
Bill Konopnicki – @BillKonopnicki (protected)
Steve Montenegro – @SteveMontenegro
Daniel Patterson – @RepPatterson
David Schapira – @dschapira
Kyrsten Sinema – @kyrstensinema

MARICOPA COUNTY SHERIFF

Joe Arpaio – @RealSheriffJoe

MAYORS AND CITY COUNCIL MEMBERS

Mesa
Scott Smith (mayor) – @Mayor_Smith
Dennis Kavanaugh (council) – @dkavanaugh

Phoenix
Phil Gordon (mayor) – @MayorGordon

Tempe
Hugh Hallman (mayor) – @hughhallman (protected)
Onnie Shekerjian (council) @onnieshekerjian (protected)